Shining a light on Day Care

To the child, involuntary day care is abandonment. Children may not be able to articulate it, but as the years go on and the day care turns into school, occasionally, sometimes often, there is palpable, visceral, dread. Parents numb themselves to it, I think—just part of being a child. Maybe it's even good for them? (eek) But I still remember feeling that dread and unease myself when I was a child in day care and school. I know I’m not the only one.

The day care teacher told me last year when I refused to give up, refused to leave my crying daughter: "[yes, literally] every child cries when their parents leave." Every. Child. There was never an exception? I think this was meant to console me, but it's hard to describe how devastatingly depressing I found this information.

Let's say she was exaggerating; let's say it's the opposite, that my child was the only one crying in such a way. Suffering in such a way. If no other child cried, would that make my child's suffering somehow unjustified? As though something was wrong with my child? At what point does a child's signaling of suffering count?

Could I be wrong about the level of discomfort? Was it really suffering? Perhaps she was just crying for the fun of it? No, it’s not plausible, is it? You’ve got to go with your gut when it comes to interpreting children’s crying. Children being left at day care against their will cry because they are suffering. But, day care is supposed to be a fun, safe place, right?

Can children themselves be wrong about what they want? Sure, but people young and old are mistaken about all kinds of things, and why would a parent second guess their small children wanting to be around them? Both from a biological perspective and from a cultural perspective, time with our family when we are young is beautiful. Likewise, just because children can’t articulate it, doesn’t mean they don’t understand. Children are often far more aware of things than they are yet able to put into words.

There are plenty of other options out there, parents can form smaller care taking and play groups where children can freely bloom. But, I don’t think that type of thing is what is meant by day care, which is generally designed to feed into the school culture track.

In day care and school children have less freedom, they must be taken care of in groups and are often made out to be less of a valid/good person if they don't enjoy it. It’s often difficult for children to even say that they don't enjoy it. Is “no” really a valid answer to "did you have fun today?" For so many parents, if the child complains, parents flip it back on them. It’s a child’s problem if they don’t have fun at day care or school, but there’s also nothing they can do to change the structure and environment there. For the vast majority of children, joy has nothing to do with it, only that their parents are busy doing stuff solo, and any suffering incurred at those institutions is justified before it happens, usually, with words like "socialization." Ironically, it’d be easier to develop anti-social behavior when you’re surrounded by people who have no choice to be there.

Involuntary day care is deemed completely normal and acceptable in today’s society. Maybe even laughably trivial. I often feel as if I'm the only one thinking about this problem, particularly in Japan, but I imagine it’s not that dissimilar for most of the world. Our children love being with my wife and me, but sometimes we want to do our own thing, and we haven't yet figured out ways to do all those things such that everyone is enjoying themselves. I think for most people this isn't a big deal. However, I'm, we're, tenacious, and I think that we can do better than viewing "cry-it-out” as any kind of solution. So even if we haven’t figured out how to avoid someone feeling upset every time, we keep trying. I’m not giving up.

If you think childhood requires some bad stuff, that’s going to inform your decisions, which will affect how the world around you looks to you. If you are a child feeling abandoned by your parents leaving you in day care each day, that may adversely affect you more widely. You may become cynical and pessimistic. What's the point of surviving, let alone blooming, if your base explanation of reality is one where abandonment is unavoidable? But, we can shine a light on that darkness, by taking each other seriously, iterating together, and not giving up.

Right now, we're trying to start a small business, close to home, that's been a dream of ours for some time, but that will also allow us to have more freedom and flexibility in taking care of our children, and lifestyle in general. It's a risk, it might not work out, but it's a step in a new exciting direction—and the whole family is tentatively on-board. There is no one size fits all solution, and who knows what the future holds, but maybe this idea will inspire others to do something similar, or entirely new and different ideas. I'd love to hear those ideas, too!